Where Do I Even Start?
by Lost-Stranger
Summary: Summary: AU. Rick and Daryl are in the army. Rick gets killed and Daryl meets Ricks son for the first time who wants to know everything about his father.A way to begin to heal. suckish summary-sorry Warning:AU,Slash, rated m for later chapters,character death only Rick
1. Chapter 1

**Where Do I Even Start?**

**Summary: AU. Rick and Daryl are in the army. Rick gets killed and Daryl meets Ricks son for the first time who wants to know everything about his father.(suckish summary)  
Warning: AU, slash(male/male),war references,swearing,rated m for later chapters,maybe OOC**

**Disclaimer: Do not own the characters Mr Kirkman and Co do.  
A/N: So this is like an experiment. To see what you think if you like then there will be probably 2 more chapters. **

I noticed the casket was obsidian black oak. His favourite colour. I cried over that simple thing because when you were with him, you saw that colour everyday. Even if most of the time I saw him in his camouflage uniform, it was obvious, he always wore something black whether it be dog tags or just his dark black boots. The stars and stripes flag draped over his coffin, the too bright colours unable to disperse the dull dead feeling everyone had today. It always seems to be sadder when the coffin is covered by the flag. Maybe I'm bias. It's ghastly to think so many have been buried this way too. Died for their country. Leaving their families and friends to pick up the sharp broken pieces that hurt too much to touch.

The pain that was caused when the troop followed there Major General's body home on a journey that felt like an eternity, was pressed harder when the plane landed and the door slowly opened and we were all greeted by the new widow and her ten year old son who clung to her bone thin body that looked like it would snap if he grasped tighter. Her already baggy clothes hung off of her and her long brown hair framed her predominate cheek bones, it was sickening. She was obviously broken from his death. Next to the red puffy faced woman whose tears never seemed to stop falling was someone the rest of the troop knew. Recently discharged because of an injury (And the rest of us also thought it was because he went a bit psycho-PTSD or something), the Major General's best friend comforted his wife. Shane Walsh. She never noticed me throughout the whole day...how could she all she was concentrating on was the coffin her late husband was in. And the tears in her eyes probably blocked her view every second of the day. Plus if she wasn't cry herself she would be comforting her young son who didn't understand 'why his dad was never coming back' who had 'promised to be back for Christmas and his birthday'. Who didn't understand 'why he lied'...why did they stupid man lie? I just stood in the background blurring in with the rest of the black and white shades. No one else knew I felt the same way she did. Broken and feeling at any moment I could break down...unsure if this is a nightmare or real.

The procession began with his casket transported by horse-drawn limbers and caissons, something originally used to carry artillery ammunition, and a riderless horse, symbolizing a fallen leader, following behind. Words were being said about the great man that Rick was .About how he excelled at everything that's how he became a Major General at the age of thirty three. His wife was unable to talk without choking up so Shane took over and began reminiscing about all the fun times they had together.

The Fighter jets flew in missing man formation in the bright blue sky that hardly had a cloud in sight. It angered me that the Earth was not upset to lose this man. Before they lowered the casket six honour guards, three each side of the casket, folded up the flag twelve times (each time having a meaning) and three spent shell-casings, each representing one of three volleys, are slipped into the folds of the flag before its presentation to the next of kin, I originally was chosen to represent the flag to the next of kin but I couldn't stand to look in her eyes nor the rest of his families. So instead Morgan, one of his close friends and a fellow serviceman, presented the flag stars facing upwards to Lori as he knelt in front of her and presenting the flag straight edge facing her. More tears stained her face as she hugged the flag. Still kneeling in front of her and holding her hand he began 'On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Army, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's honourable and faithful service' kissing her wet cheek before he moved back to stand with his wife and son who was also Carl's age. Slowly the casket was lowered into ground, dirt slowly dropping on to it. The lone bugle playing 'Taps' drifted through the air as the player stood about 50 yards away before it ghosted through everyone's ears as the final salute was made. The rifle party began to form. Five soldiers of our battalion stood in the formation then began the three-volley-salute which consisted of a 13 gun salute. Every time a blank bullet left the rifle I noticed young Carl flinch and gripped his black trouser leg tighter in between his thin fingers. I didn't belong here and the gun shots only reminded me of that. Even though losing Rick taught me that being in the army only cause's loss I couldn't leave it...I had nothing waiting for me here. Rick promised me after his four year tour (that he had already done two years on with me) we would quit the army and live a white picket fence life. Look what happened! I'm a twenty five year old who has lost his world. A world that deserved better and had it with his wife and son. Was I have been the reason it ended if this didn't happen? I joined the army to forget about past scars to escape my father and I was lucky enough to find true love ...none of that mattered though because I caused his death and he didn't deserve it.

It was over. Nothing mattered anymore. He was dead in the ground. Dead. Everyone began to disperse so I thought it best to leave before the widow saw me as I didn't want to cause grief. She didn't know why she should hate me but she will after today.

In my hotel room that was near the sea, I sat in darkness for a long time a bottle of wine in one hand, staring out at the water. One by one lights across the bay went out, and as each one disappeared, a tiny chunk of time seemed to be slipping away. Eventually, all movement ceased and the bay settled down for the night. And it was silent, only the wind and the odd animal/insect making noise.

Every year for the past five years I visited his grave on his birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day and the anniversary of his death, no matter what the weather. And each time I have gone I was able to avoid his family. It was out now, that I was with him when we were back in Afghanistan. Yet she still hadn't met me. And no one cared that he cheated because when you're fighting for your country none of it matters if it helps you cope it helps you cope. Also I think many people didn't pity the fact he cheated on her because she cheated on him with his best friend. By many people's standards she was a worse person than him. Unfortunately this year, on the anniversary, I bumped into Lori, Shane and Carl. I must of lost track of time...this never happened before and now I'm screwed. I could hardly see their confused faces through the tears that wouldn't stop falling. Carl looked so much bigger now; he's grown a lot and was starting to look more like his old man. He ran over to me even though his mother told him to wait and Shane shouted at him...Typical Shane trying to take over someone's duties his could never fulfil. Shane quit the army and become a police officer over the last few years, he'd moved in with Lori and now she was pregnant with a little girl. Or so Morgan said.  
"Who are you? And how do you know Dad?" Carl asked me, his voice slowly beginning to break now. God! How proud Rick would be of his son, all grown up.  
"I work with ya Dad" I explained whilst the tears travelled down my cheek. He scowled at my redneck accent obviously not expecting me to have one. But then his face lit up like a squirrel when it finds nuts in the winter.  
"You knew my Dad?" He asked with so much excitement I felt bad. I placed the flowers on the grave before I stood up and apologized.  
"I always wondered where the extra flowers came from...you must be Daryl Dixon...the man who was fucking my husband" She spat at me, Shane grasping her thin arm gently holding her back from clawing my face off. How wrong was she about me fucking her husband...opposite dear.  
"Hun, Yhou can't talk! Yhou cheated on with his best friend whilst he was at war! And watch ya language around ya son...look I'm leaving so don't start anything" I calmly retorted trying to diffuse the situation.  
"Good! Don't ever come here again! And don't tell me how to raise _**my**_ child" She screamed at me like some crazy witch, ever word stung. Her exaggeration on 'my' was obviously a taunt at me being gay and unable to have children naturally and probably also a taunt at how it's Rick's child as well. I slowly began to back away making a mental note to come later next time.  
"No!" A young male voice bellowed. He jogged and grabbed my wrist.  
"You're going to tell me about my Dad, the truth. Eat lunch with me and tell me everything. About your relationship, war, everything" He rambled with such a fascination. I couldn't say no. The look on both Lori's and Shane's face was priceless when I agreed to telling him everything...nothing they could say would stop me.

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**So what do you think?short yes but its an experiment. Please review. Good or bad i need to improve, just nothing too bad i do have a heart.**  
**Sorry if its too OOC.  
Stranger X**


	2. Chapter 2

**Where Do I Even Start?**

**Summary: AU. Rick and Daryl are in the army. Rick gets killed and Daryl meets Ricks son for the first time who wants to know everything about his father.(suckish summary)  
Warning: AU, slash(male/male),war references,swearing,rated m ,maybe OOC,sex**

**Disclaimer: Do not own the characters Mr Kirkman and Co do.  
**

_**A/N: It's really hard to write this fic it's got to be the saddest one (Maybe you'll disagree) I have written. Forgot to mention the title is from a song. "**__**Where Do I Even Start?" - Morgan Taylor Reid, a brilliant but sad song. The fic is quite based off of it.  
**__**Thank you 'HazelAndNut' I have always been wondering how to change the formatting to make it look better but have never been sure.  
And 'Guest' thank you :) x  
**_

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"What made you join the Army?" The young fifteen year old asked curiously as he sat opposite me at a crowded cafe in a mall. It was small 'cute' cafe, not something I'd normally go to...hell I hardly drank coffee anyway...mostly alcohol or water. His hands wrapped around the huge white mug ,which had a huge 'Starbucks' logo on it, full of some type of coffee with a really long name, it just looked like pure sugar. There was a notable size difference between his hand size now and five years ago, he really was growing to be his father's son. His eyes showed so much compassion for his father.  
"Ya father, actually" I chuckled before sipping some of the sweet coffee I had brought. It was very hard to get Lori and Shane to leave the kid to talk to me, in the end we compromised. Behind us they sat, Shane had a rather large black coffee and Lori had a banana milkshake that she rested on her huge baby bump. The scowl on her face really didn't suit her.

"I didn't 'ave a great childhood. No money. No food. No parents that cared. And an older brother who was constantly in and out of juvie. So I did what I 'ad to, to survive, I stole. Then one day I was tryna break into a car when I got caught by its owner, he punched me in the face hard enough to break my nose then when I was on the ground in the foetal position he kept kicking me and wouldn't stop. Ya dad noticed when he turned tha corner and knocked tha guy out even took me to the hospital and gave me $100 since he forced me to tell him why I was stealing. He inspired me. I was your age...so I trained for the next three years and joined the army because a solider saved my life."I explained whilst he stared at me in astonishment, I knew if I looked behind me Lori would be staring daggers into my head because of what I was telling him but he deserved to know. A lone tear streamed down my pale face then splashed onto the table. I didn't even know I was going to cry until I felt the wetness on my face. The young boy in front of me, no longer looked so happy...he looked guilty for making me cry a single tear.

"I'm sorry, what was it like, war? I want to follow in Dad's footsteps" Carl announced as he lifted the cup to his pink lips. He really should rethink his word choice.  
"No!" Lori abruptly shouted, causing many eyes to wonder to her.  
"Kid, it was torture." I mumbled over Lori's rant. All of the movies, TV shows, and even the books I used to read made war seem so much better than what I went through. It was nothing glamorous or exciting. Fighting back tears and praying that I somehow made it out alive. I wasn't even religious, but as the saying goes there are no atheists in a fox hole.  
I didn't even know why I wanted to live so much, only that it was all I could think about. It was not really like I had all that much to live for.  
At that point I'd had enough; I couldn't tell him more about his father if he asked about the awful experience of war. I stood up out of my chair letting it scrape across the tiled floor, getting everyone's attention and stopping them from arguing. All eyes were on me.  
"See ya later, Ring me at a later date" I sighed as I threw my card on the table and walked off squeezing the bridge of my nose. I kept walking until I reached a park that was very green and had many trees. I decided to lie on a blue wooden bench looking up at the sky that was blocked slightly by a few leaves.

_The sun bed into the grey sky, a collage of red and orange as it began to set, merging with the sand dunes._ _Just like that, Daryl felt the entire hard line of Rick's body pressing against his. Rick was warm, so deliciously warm, and despite all the clothes between them, Daryl could feel Rick's lust and want in the hardness pressing against the inside of his thigh, barely brushing against his own still clothed cock._My eyes sprung open as I felt wetness in the corner of my eyes. Tears. Even still I hadn't got over him; the one night stands, the alcohol, even going back in the army for a year didn't help. Then I got discharged because I was reckless, a danger to the whole team and myself which was the reason I was injured. Now I have nothing. So the least I should do, before I do something I may regret, is teach the kid more about his father…We all know his mother won't all she ever cared about was Shane. Even after being married to him for over ten years.

It took me over an hour to walk back to my hotel, the same one I stayed at when it was the funeral. I didn't have to walk I could of got a taxi but I needed to think and walking alone seemed to be the only way I could do this lately. Never brought a house for my own…I was meant to buy it with Rick. I technically lived at this hotel the most amount of time I have stayed here is five months before I moved to the next one and then back again. Normally hotels wouldn't allow people to stay that long but as a serviceman they respected me, probably pitied me (Now that I had to walk with a walking stick like an old man), plus I paid good money. My left leg was blown to pieces on my last tour by many bullets being aimed at it (my own idiocy); it was fixed as best as it could be. Missing bones and muscles replaced with metal and wire. But I had to walk with a cane…not that I did all the time. Mostly when in public I didn't use it and today was no different. Sure, it hurt like hell but even though it's hard to admit…I enjoyed the pain in a weird way it reminded me I was alive and I deserved this. The hotel was nice, but defiantly not five star, I'd only ever stayed at one five star hotel. The Christmas before Rick died we were all given two days off (the war wasn't going anywhere) and Rick too me to one of new hotels in Afghanistan. Huge would have been an understatement! It towered over us at an astonishing height of (insert height here) it was mostly made out of metal and glass...lots and lots of glass. There looked to be over 1000 windows! Checking in to a hotel had never been so fun, I never knew there were such nice hotels near a highly dangerous war zone.  
I had never really stayed at a big hotel, let alone a five star resort, but this just blew my mind. There was a huge bed, a couch and a coffee table, a ridiculously huge bathroom with white and golden piles and last but not least a balcony with view of the beautiful sun setting over the desert .Warmest Christmas I have ever had.

I was happy I agreed to meet Rick later again (he had disappeared at the bar) because if i had been with Rick now the excited squeaks that escaped me would have been embarrassing.

As seen in countless movies, I dropped my bags and just let myself fall onto the bed. It was just as soft as it looked and getting up again caused me physical and mental pain, but I knew I had to. After admiring the inner part of the room, i stepped out on the balcony and tried to contain my excitement. We didn't have much time before we planned to meet and I tried calming myself with the thought that I would have the rest of the day and half of tomorrow to check out the awesomeness completely.  
There was a sudden unexpected knock at the door. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion before I unlocked the highly secured wooden door to greet my visitor. As soon as the door opened my mouth was attack roughly by someone else's their stubble scratching across my chin. I yelped as I was thrown on to the bed and my assailant climbed on top of me.  
"So what do you think of the room?" A familiar voice asked me, I looked up with glistening eyes happy to see Rick on top of me. We looked into each other's eyes for what felt like forever. Finally, Rick looks up and asks "Wanna grab something..." Smirk. My hands slide down Rick's back, to his hips, then to... Rick rolls his eyes. "... to eat? Wanna grab something to eat?"

It was the best Christmas I remember. But now when I think back to it I just feel...pain and guilt. . It nearly felt like heaven but it wasn't home, home was thousands of miles away. A place where the wind isn't glass on your skin and the nights aren't tremors for the shells. We are a spun globe from our homes and our bones ache for the Motherland. Especially since I met Carl because his father had promised to be back for Christmas but instead he was with me. Sure, he probably wouldn't have had enough time to spend with them as from Afghanistan to America it is a hour plane ride and he would need that time both ways. But I couldn't help but feel that I stole the kid last Christmas with his dad.

I slowly drifted to sleep on my lonely double bed in the hotel room with the thought of Rick. _Very soon the windows of the Humvee are covered with condensation; I can feel the moisture on my left shoulder. It __**is**__ cramped and uncomfortable back here and I have to twist in a weird way, but Rick slides into me and starts to move smoothly. I closed my eyes, arched my back and it totally yields. It's slow, effortless, and achingly perfect_.

The next day I was awoken by a phone call, from Carl. For the first time in awhile I awoke with a smile on my face, maybe it was from the dream or maybe it was from the kid's persistent considering I said wait till a later date. It was only eight o'clock in the morning an unusual time for me to be up as I usually drink and cry myself to sleep at a late hour then awake in the midday with a migraine and a frown on my lightly scarred face.  
"Kid, shouldn't you be at school?" I yawned as I headed to the bathroom. I relieved myself with one hand whilst I held my compact cell phone in the other.  
"I am I have a free period and I wanted to talk to you" Damn. Carl nearly begged or at least he was whining like a puppy. It was hard to tell when there were many loud teenage voices babbling in the background.  
"Look ya already woke me at least give me time ta wake up and shower I smell like a dead horse...if your that desperate meet me at the address I'll text ya" I chuckled before I hung up on him probably causing him to gasp. I turned the stereo on, so it began playing '_Matthew Perryman Jones - Only You' _loudly throughout the hotel room whilst I texted him the address. I slipped out of my grey stuffy tracksuit bottoms and underwear before I stepped into the warm shower spray that had been running since I entered the bathroom, ergo causing the room to be very steamy. I felt like the whole world was off of my shoulders.  
_'I wanna taste you again  
Like a secret or a sin  
Breathin' out breathin in  
There is no one else for me  
But you  
Only you  
I want you  
Only you'  
_Those words rang through my head. The water running over my skin was warm enough that it burnt but it felt too good. I rested my head against the tiled wall - a cool contrast to the steam built up around me. When I turned off the shower and stepped out, water droplets dripped off of my every limb. I wrapped a fluffy white towel around my waist then collapsed onto the bed again the wetness of the skin making the sheets stick to my skin. I then struggled into a sitting position with a grunt before I grasped my clothes that I had placed on the bed earlier when I had awoke. An abrupt knock on my wooden door made me pull up my black jeans much quicker than I would of liked, I slipped my tight dark blue shirt on and made my way to the door tripping over my trouser leg because I didn't pull them up properly.

"Come in, sit where ya like" I announced when I opened the door and gestured for young Carl to come in. In the end he sat on the chair next to the dark brown vanity table which had been overflowed with aftershave, shampoo, soaps and any other thing to do with the bathroom bar a few packets of food such as biscuits and crisps (chips?). I perched at the end of my double bed with my hands in my lap.  
"How did he die?" Carl questioned with a sadness in his tone, I had not known he would ask such a hard hitting question so early especially since yesterday I left when he did but I guess I couldn't really leave here as this is my own place and if I kicked him out I would feel rude ...guilty. I sighed before I relived the events yet again in the past five years.  
_Get down!"  
Gunfire echoes through the night…  
"Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!"  
Bullets whistle past our ears… Shit, that one was close.  
"Grimes! Stay the fuck down!"  
I hear the ugly sound of a bullet tearing through flesh…  
"Rick!"  
I dive towards him…  
"Help! HELP! Medic! I need a medic here now!"  
Gurgling, I can hear gurgling… Blood in the lungs… Oh shit, there's blood in the lungs…  
"Grimes! Rick!Rick Stay with me !"  
I hold his hand and squeeze it tight… Oh God Rick, why did you have to be so stupid_

_Listen to that eerie silence… That deathly silence… It's so quiet…_  
_"Rick?"_  
_His body's gone limp… But… How? He can't be… It's not possible, he just can't…_  
_"Rick… Wake up…"_  
_I shake him gently, he doesn't move… Why isn't he moving?_  
_"C'mon Rick, stop messing…"_  
_Why won't he wake up?_

_'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear,_  
_How much I love you._  
_Please don't take my sunshine away'. I sang as I crushed his hand in mine._

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**I hope you enjoyed it. Please only one more chapter. x  
Stranger x **


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